Ten Things to ask for when Your Child is Diagnosed with Autism or Developmental Differences

*Updated April, 2023

As a pediatric psychologist I know that families’ journeys can be fraught with unexpected challenges. Discovering that your child has differences can be daunting. And sometimes, making sure that your child’s needs are properly met by the outside world can be even more stressful. One aspect I am especially passionate about as a psychologist is supporting the social and emotional lives of children with developmental differences, including those on the autism spectrum.

The good news is that we now know more than ever why it’s essential to nurture strengths and relationships as the foundation of supporting children with developmental challenges. Unfortunately, this view is not yet a standard of care across disciplines. Many professionals work from a disability model, emphasizing skill acquisition rather than focusing and building on strengths. While skill acquisition is important, what is most important is the child’s developing sense of trust and joy in human relationships.

As a parent, you can have a significant impact on how teachers, therapists, and others perceive your child, the unspoken messages these adults offer, and the emotional support they provide. These ten tips are a start. Of course, every child and family are different, and you should adapt the list to your particular parenting beliefs and your child’s individual differences.

As parents we respectfully request that members of our child’s support team follow these tenets:

  1. Understand that autism or other neurological differences make our child different, not deficient. We do not want our child to experience unspoken messages that he or she needs to be cured or fixed.
  1. Presume competency in our child, and understand that it may take a while for him to show you all he knows.   Please have patience and assume that he understands everything you are saying.
  1. Do not confuse our child’s inability to speak or use proper language as an inability to think. Our child’s ability to communicate her inside thoughts is not always easy or possible, but she has thoughts, emotions, and desires just as any other child does.
  1. Prioritize our child’s feelings of safety in relationships as a necessary condition for learning. It is more difficult for our child to feel safe because he can’t easily communicate his needs. Please help him feel secure, loved, and safe.
  1. Understand that our child’s behaviors are adaptations and we need to be curious and reflect about their causes and triggers.  Our child’s behaviors, which may look negative or attention-seeking, are most likely adaptive adjustments or stress responses.
  1. Consider the mental-health implications of every plan, strategy and intervention for our child. Our child feels sadness, shame, and embarrassment as any other child does. Please be considerate of his emotions when creating educational and treatment plans.
  1. Consult with us, their parents, before attempting to “normalize” behaviors. Some of our child’s behaviors help them feel calmer. If they are not disrupting others, please do not take behaviors away. This can have cause early masking (hiding natural tendencies) and have an impact on developing self-confidence.
  1. Work from our child’s strengths, natural interests, and motivation. Our child, like all children, learns best when he is engaged and interested in the process. Please incorporate his natural interests in his education and therapy sessions.
  1. Certain sensory experiences may be difficult for our child. Along with an expert on sensory-motor integration (typically an occupational therapist or physical therapist) make sure therapy goals are tailored to our child’s sensory processing profile. When taken into consideration and accommodated, our child is more content and learns better.
  1. Continue to raise the bar and expect as much from our child as you would from any other child. We have the same hope as all parents: that our child will be happy, secure and live to his highest potential. You are essential in making this happen.

I share more about how to support all children’s mental health in Brain-Body Parenting and in Beyond Behaviors. 

We also have a supportive parent Community. 

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