The Hidden Costs of Planned Ignoring

** Updated September 2020

Not long ago,  I heard about a painful and frustrating episode a teenager recalled from his childhood. At five years old, the boy was 45 minutes into a therapy session when he ran to the window, pressed his nose against it, and stared intently at the family car. Unable to effectively use spoken language, he was trying to express to his behavior therapist and his mother that he was weary and ready to go home.

The therapist didn’t get the message, dismissing his attempt to communicate as mere “stimming”—that is, a form of “meaningless” self-stimulation. “He’s fixating on the car,” she told the boy’s mother. “Let’s ignore and try to get him back to the table.” Now 17, the boy recalls his great frustration trying to make himself understood.

The therapist wasn’t being intentionally harsh. She was merely following an approach that uses reinforcement and other strategies such as “planned ignoring” to help children learn and acquire new, “adaptive” behaviors. Over two decades working with children, I have grown increasingly concerned about the use of planned ignoring, also known as tactical ignoring.

Why? It doesn’t build social and emotional development when we ignore a child’s attempts to communicate. Doing so doesn’t help the child, but can fuel frustration, anger and resentment. We must ask ourselves, if behaviors are a form of communication, what message are we giving by ignoring? Just as we wouldn’t ignore a fellow adult’s attempts to communicate, it’s time that we look below the surface and question whether this technique is appropriate for children.

Here are some of the hidden costs of this commonly used tool in behavioral treatment:

  1. Ignoring sends the wrong emotional message to the child. In short, the adult is saying, “I’m not interested in what you’re trying to convey, and I’ll pay attention only when you comply with my demands.”
  2. Ignoring presupposes that a child’s observable behaviors accurately reveal his or her intentions. In fact, many children lack the ability to coordinate movement and/or language to convey their inner thoughts.
  3. Ignoring oversimplifies the child’s behaviors without trying to discern underlying thoughts and feelings.
  4. It is stressful and unnatural for parents to ignore their own child.

What’s a better alternative? Rather than ignoring, it’s best to do the opposite: pay extra attention to behaviors, and ask questions: What is the child trying to tell us? How can we help make it easier for the child to communicate? When we ignore children, we risk shutting down their attempts to do what we want them to do most: communicate with us.

To reconsider the value of planned ignoring, parents can:

  1. Collaborate with the teachers and professionals working with your child to review your child’s program and discuss the costs of planned ignoring.
  2. Consider relationship- based approaches that consider children’s emotions and relationships as the foundation for treatment.
  3. Get support helping your child to communicate by enlisting specialists who presume competence in your child and can help your child to communicate using the latest knowledge and technology if necessary.
  4. Have compassion for your child and yourself and assume your child wants to please you, but can’t in the moment.
  5. Use strategies that will bring you closer emotionally and increase attunement.

Most importantly, trust your instinct as a parent. If a certain technique doesn’t feel right for your child, speak up. Nobody knows your child as you do.

I share more about new ways to support children’s behavioral challenges in my books, Brain-Body Parenting and Beyond Behaviors.